If I Mattered To You, Then All I would See, Is Indigo.

Okay...Here's The Sad Part, We weren't even together and he still broke my heart. Why do I always end up liking someone so much that it hurts when they say that they like someone else? This one dude...He'll never know exactly how much I like him. Everytime he talks about this girl he likes it's like my heart is splitting open more and more. It's always like this with guys I like...but he's the one guy that I've liked more than any other guy, even Ivan. I'll never forget Ivan. He was the one who broke the most important promise I've ever wanted anyone to keep. But I can't tell this guy that. Why? Because he's madly in like, he might even love her, with this other girl. And why wouldn't he be? I mean, she's probably a gorgeous size zero with baby blue eyes and brown hair and no acne. While I'm a hideous size 14/16 with acne, brown hair and hazel eyes. I'm the girl that doesn't stand out in a crowd. She probably is. I just can't keep liking people like this, Especially him. Maybe if she wasn't in the picture, and if I lived closer, then things would be different. I just...feel so helpless right now. That might sound extreme, but it's true. I don't even know if he cares about me anymore. It's gotten to the point where I love talking to him but I also hate the hurt that I feel when we talk because I know that he's talking to her and would rather talk to her than me. I don't know....I guess I just need to get out of the picture and let him continue on liking her and not have him worry about me...I just don't know what to do. Penguin...if you read this...can you help me...please?

This blog's title is not song lyrics for I am in school and am unable to listen to music.

December 7th...It takes me almost a week to realize that I'm not eating like I should. This is my routine: I don't eat breakfast. I eat lunch, I go into the bathroom and puke it up for twenty minutes. I don't eat dinner. I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean, I want to eat, but I can't. It seems that whenever I look at food my heart starts racing and I feel like I'm about to pass out. I can't fucking eat. My body, or my subconcious mind won't let me, either way, I just can't eat. I think there's something wrong with me, but I'm not sure. >.< I just feel so horrible. I don't know what to fucking do. I can't tell any of my friends close to me because I know that they will all freak out on me and leave. They already think I'm crazy, I can't let them think that I'm even crazier than they think I am. *sighs*
I have to go to the Culinary Arts party and watch them eat...I might add to this later, I don't know.

This song goes out to my good friends.

Why did I start a blog? Why not? It can help you out when you need to get something off your chest or when there's something you need to say to someone but you're too afraid to do just so. Even when you've had the worst day of your life and all you want to do is curl up into a ball and die. When you've had a break up or when your best friend and yourself have had a huge fight. Blogs are what make and keep people sane...I my dear friends are one of them. I may not write as much as I would like, but I write whenever I need to distract myself. So. It is officially Thanksgiving, so happy thanksgiving fool.
I was reading my friends blog around five minutes ago. I love this chick even though we've never actually met, I still love her. I can't say hate, because I actually don't really hate anything, so I'll use the word Dislike, so I dislike some things in it...not all of it, but just some things. *sighs* Penguin...If you read this remember...Panda loves you.
I went to the mall today to get a new jacket because I had a fifty percent off coupon for being one of the first ones to het a HT+1 card. Woot woot Go Heather! =D So anyways, I got a new Jacket...It has Jacob's dreamcatcher on the front and it says 'The Twilight Saga: New Moon' on it and it has a picture of Jacob on the back. It's brown...not black... SHOCKER! and I got a Harry Potter beanie. It has the Hogwarts Crest on one side and the other side it has the dark mark..It's Reversible FWI.
Colorado is coming up. I can't decide if I'm more excited or worried. I'm excited about going and seeing snow, but I'm worried about the plane crashing because those have been happening alot lately. If the plane does crash...I hope I'm not alive when it catches on fire if it does. I'm so scared about it crashing..Tell me...Am I just paranoid or do I really have something to worry about?
I should be getting to bed...It's already 12.13 in the morning...I have to make cornbread for the party tomorrow at my aunt's house.
Christmas is coming up!!! I GET MY HARRY POTTER BOOKS ON CHRISTMAS!!!!I'm so excited!!! YAY!
Goodnight now. (:

You've got to help me out, It's all a blur last night.

Woot Woot! Thanksgiving is almost here!!!! Tom Milsom (Hexachordal) is still a gorgeous British Guy. I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot. Did I mention that I'm an idiot? Damn it. Grrrr. So anways...I leave December Fourth for Denver...oh yeah!!! I get to see snow!! Poor Ashly had her knee surgery last thursday and thought that it would be okay to come to school yesterday...she ended up leaving because she was in so much pain. And My Baby Ashley's friend Amanda is coming back form California for Thanksgiving and they're hanging out tomorrow. And I get a new Jacket. My daddy bought me Barbie Dorothy for Christmas, and we're trying to get my Aunt to give me Barbie Glinda. "Powdered God in a bag from the Vatican, I want you to fuck off as hard as you can." 100 Percent by Angelspit. You should go listen to that song...I love it. I got Stickers!!!! YAY!!!!!
Hehe.

Feels like I have always known you and I swear I dreamt about you, all those endless nights I was alone.

November 1, 2009...8:09 Pm. Well...I made it to two months clean...I don't know how much more I'm going to last though. *Sighs* Well...Yesterday was Halloween...I went as Tonks. *Shrugs* I got snowcones instead of candy at one house. That's pretty much it. Later.

She's upset, Bad Day, Heads for the dresser drawer to drive the pain away, Nothing good can come of this.

So...September 22nd at 4.55 Pm. I...want happiness in my life. I'm tired of all this drama that has come into my life in the past week or so. It was all fine until he turned up again. I don't have a problem with it..I really don't. I still really like the guy. It's just....I don't know. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm ugly. I get told that everyday, it's nothing new to me. Maybe it's just that I finally found a guy that I like that likes me back that doesn't want me just so they 'can take my virginity away.' Everytime I talk to him it's like I suddenly have this new found respect for myself, and I suddenly feel pretty. It's insane. No one else has ever had that effect on me. I'm a horrible person, I know that. I push a lot of guys out of my life because I know that I'll never have a chance with them. Except Chip, Jaz, Garrett, Uriel because well...I've never really liked them in that way, I've always liked them in the friend kind of way. But anyways...I've lost him once...I don't think I would be able to handle losing him again. In fact, I know I wouldn't be able to. I'd go back to the old ways...We all remember those days: Gashes in my body every night before bed, sometimes two, sometimes more. I had friends who were so worried about wether or not they would see me the next day. If I do lose him then I just know that I'm going to go back to those days. But if it happens, then it happens. I just...Need to get away from the internet and Texas. Maybe go to Antarctica or Somewhere where there's no one, or barely no one. You know what...I'm going to live on the Titanic.

You come to me with scars on your wrist, You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this.

It's almost the end of the month...1.11 PM on August 30th to be exact. I've been meaning to write in this all month but just haven't found the time. I'm not the most busiest person in the world, but things just slip my mind and I forget to do things and then I remember to do it when I'm either laying in bed or I don't have the computer on. So my month has been like this: Early August my Aunt and I went to splashtown. This is the first time we had a Aunt/Neice day, and I had so much fun. We went for her birthday which was actually the day after we went, but oh well. Anyways, so we went to splashtown and we rode this one ride that is like a slide that goes into a cereal bowl thing with a hole at the bottom...That slide type thing hurt my back. Ouch! Anyways, We were standing in line and there was this really hot guy...He had a lip ring, his ears pierced and tattoos. (: Anyways...So I was like...staring at this guy in front of my, and I automatically sweep my eyes over his arms, because I've come to where I always do that with people I see...I don't know why. So, I was looking at his arms when I see them...Scars on his wrist, on the upperside of his wrist by the top of his hand, His upper arm, his stomach, his lower arm, and his leg. I end up just staring at that scar on the top of his hand/wrist area and I realize that without my knowledge of doing it that I'm tracing the exact spot on my hand that that scar was on his...To this day I still want to cut right there just to see what happens. I kind of forgot what happened the rest of the month. So I'll just go to school. So school started on the 24th and as always, I'm scared as fuck. So much shit is going through my mind: I don't want to go, What if we're supposed to wear uniforms and no one told me, What if I'm not allowed to wear this shirt, What if I bump into someone I don't like and they get all their friends to beat me up? Well, apparently I worried myself to the point of being sick for no reason. Everything went fine. I love my new Culinary class. I actually have friends in their now. (: Wait...I wanna do Josh's Smiley face... :?) YAY! Hehe. So...Wed. night, Cissy called me useless...Well....at least I think it was Cissy. Anyways, She called me useless so the next day I decided not to think about it, but I knew I would so I decided to take a benadryl or two...or sixteen and I must say...I've never felt better...other than the almost falling up and down the stairs and running into the walls thing. I found out that I don't talk much when I'm like that. Oh well. So this weekend I was supposed to go over to Jackie's but then Daddy calls me up and says I can't go because her sister is dating a black guy who told their grandma the rules of the house and pretty much kicked her out of her own house, and how Jackie lives with her boyfriend in Humble. He didn't want me to go because he didn't want me to think that that was the way things were supposed to go, and I'm like...I'm not an idiot, I know that's not how things work. She's a fucking nympho and I haven't even had sex once...But whatever...I'm friends with lots of Nymphos. Oh well. So then we have today...Today...I don't like today. Daddy's computer has a virus that has blocked me from restarting the computer from a previous date, it changes the links that I click on when I go to google and search for something..It's just...fucking crazy. I want my laptop back...I miss him...He needs a name...I'm gonna name him....Moody. After Mad Eye...May he rest in peace. Well...I probably won't write back here till the end of next month or when I get my computer back...so bye for now.

What I love most about Rivers is you can't step in the same river twice.

Sooooooo...12.20 Am on July 29th and I just titled Chip's Poem..it is now called Essence of July. (: I am laying in my bed because I am too tired to actually try to sit up. I am currently on page 166 of Candy by Kevin Brooks. It's a pretty good book if you ask me. I have a nasty pimple growing on the corner of my nose and its really annoying me. I'm gonna put on my old blue jeans, gonna walk out of here and into a street, would you put up resistence, would it make a difference? Would you know the real me? Me and my old Blue Jeans. Sorry, a little Miley Cyrus there. I have successfully covered over 90% of my wall with quotes and song lyrics. You would be impressed. I just hope mama doesn't find the writting under the posters and what not. It was either Saturday or Sunday and my mother and I got into this huge fight over the stupidest thing...Two Hamburger patties! I mean, I'm sorry that I had just woken up and I was hungry, but I thought the old woman had eaten at least once that day...but then I must admit, she is my mother...SHE NEVER EATS!!! I'm getting really sick and tired of all her shit. As soon as I leave High School I'm going to either move in with my father or I'm going to move to Denver and go to College there. I was watching Disney movies one night. Not the new stuff but the old 90's stuff that they had out when I was five and what not. It really reminded me of my childhood and How I knew every single word to all the songs. That entertained me. But it doesn't take much to entertain me...Shit, I need some sleep...like seriously. Cissy is really getting on my nerves. Don't get me wrong, I love the girl like Crazy and I love talking to her but it just seems like everytime I try to talk to her she either doesn't want to talk or she quickly doesn't feel like talking to me anymore. I miss the old days when we could just talk and talk for hours on end. But People Change, Times Change, There's nothing you can do about It. Ashley now...I love her to death but it seems like that everytime we talk she only talks about Dj. Dj this, Dj that. Yes, I understand that he is her boyfriend or fiance...whatever! but do I really need to hear about it every five minutes? I mean, there has to be more in this world to talk about then just him... Gah! I'm off. Lata.

Little Girl Terrified Part II.

I forgot...MY RUTGER IS STARTING TO WALK AGAIN!!!! I really thought I was going to lose him. I've been so happy lately. (:

Little Girl Terrified...

It's 5.32 A.M. on the 25th of July and I just finished reading Impulse by Ellen Hopkins. I've read the book and I don't remember if it made me think as much as it did this last time I've read it. Those three people were put into that mental home because they each tried to commit suicide. At some points in the book it really made me cringe. Especially when the author went into detail about Vanessa slicing open her skin. It reminds me so much about the times that I did that. Sure, I never cringed when I did it but about a day or a week later when I looked at the cut and the weak attempt at a scab trying to cover it it did make me cringe. And then when Conner jumped, or rather walked off that cliff it just reminded me of Ashley and all the problems in her family and everything that has happened in my life. I mean, Ashley has gone through alot in her life, I won't get into that because I don't think that she would like for me to do that. Oh, Today Chelcie contacted me through the yahoo messenger. I didn't even know that she still had me added onto her contacts. Anyways, she was saying how she was sorry and that she didn't know who she was back then and blah blah blah. I still hate her. Poodles are ugly. Blegh. Well...I'm done for tonight, I'm tired and I'm gonna go to bed. G'night.

Cut my life into pieces, This is my last resort.

Sooo...It's July 20th at 10.56 Pm and I am sitting on my bed listening to Papa Roach. So I woke up today at 6.54 Pm and I went to the bathroom like I do everytime I wake up and I come out and my mom tells me to come into the living room. Her mother and her were there crying and she tells me that Rutger can't use his back legs. So she's holding my hand when she tells me and I just let go and walk away, she keeps telling me to come here and I just run into my room and close the door and sit in front of it and cry. Meanwhile, she's outside of the door telling me to open it. It takes about a minute and then I just scoot away from the door enough to let the door open. So she then proceeds to open the door and she sits on the floor with me and we just cry for about twenty minutes. She then tells me that If he won't be able to walk by tomorrow then she's going to have to take him up to work and put him to sleep; I just continued to cry. I cried for an hour straight and now it's just on and off crying. I love my Rut. I might not have treated him the best but I still loved him..I'm gonna miss him molesting Ashley. I want a new dog to replace him...and I'll be nice to this one. *sighs* I don't want my baby boy to die...I really don't. :/ Well I'm gonna go...bye.

It happens to other people, you say how sad, you say poor thing.

The date and time is July 19th at 5.34PM. So yesterday I took my senior pictures and went to the beach with my parents. The pictures were entertaining. We first took the regular yearbook pictures..you know the kind...stand up straight, smile and look like everyone else. Then I took the cap and gown picture where I was sitting on this desk in front of this bookcase and I had a hand around a University of Houston diploma and then my other hand on the mortar board. I had forgotten my class ring so I had to borrow one of theirs, the only difference in their class ring and mine is that the ring colour was different. Theirs was gold, mine is silver...actually it's celestium(it's like....harder than silver and gold...I love it.) Okay, then after that I went to the beach with my mom and my daddy...The two divorced parents...It was fun to say the least. So when mama and I got home from the photography place we were getting ready to go to the beach and guess what...I couldn't find my bathing suit bottoms and my top was too small...in the boob area, so we had to run to wal-mart to get me new bathing suit parts. I ended up getting this cute neon coloured bathing suit bottom and this black and white halter top that ended up not fitting....it barely fit over my boobs. >.<>Kittie's Purple Cow is Open. so yeah, we went to the beach and I had to go pee for 4.5 hours...that was really horrid. but my dad came up with this really good solution. (: So anyways...the wind came rolling in...it got cold...hahaha. Cold day in July...In Texas!!! That's funny. Anyways...then we ended up getting a flat in the middle of a rainstorm...Heather ends up crying and hurting herself. The spare tire is four sizes too big, Halfway back home They get lost and Heather has to go pee again so we stop at this buckee's and she goes pee. When she's in line with her icee that her mother bought her this really skinny guy that was cute...he looked kinda like Fiore...It was weird. So this guy bought 2 cases of 24 pack Coors and a 6 pack of Smirnoff...ends up dropping the smirnoff and has to go get another one and then he comes out after us so I see what car he gets into. So we're driving down the freeway and his truck passes us....About half a mile ahead of us this cop car turns on his lights and as we pass him and the truck he pulled over I recognize that it's the same car that that guy was in! I was like oh my god no way...That is too funny. And then daddy is like "Now Heather, What have I told you?" and here's what he's told me. If you're ever at a party have your ass in the house by one in the morning, not driving up the driveway or walking into the front door but have your ass in the house by one." Andddddddddd That's it today..I have to eat and go get ready for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

I'm doing this tonight, you're probably going to start a fight.

The date and time are July 15th at 3.46 in the morning and I'm sitting on my bed listening to 'N Sync thinking. I woke up at around 3 in the morning from a nap that I took at like 9 in the afternoon...hehe I just wrote 9 in the afternoon. Panic At The Disco made a song called Nine In the Afternoon on their album Pretty. Odd. I don't much care for that compact disc because I feel it's too...Not themselves, if you know what I mean. I just finished Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and am now working on Donorboy by Brendan Halpin. Chip sent me this book from Marshall Illinois because we were discussing it and he said that I might like it and I must tell you that he's right. I may only be on page 23 (there are no chapters >.<) but I still like it. So yesterday I woke up at around 5 in the afternoon and my dad was cutting the yard. I mean, it was our day to be together and all he did was cut the yard and then we played a little Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire but I quickly got bored with that. He then proceeded to go outside and smoke and when he returns he tells me he's going to go. I'm just thinking... It's supposed to be our day and all you did was mow the yard and play a couple of minutes of Harry Potter with me. Yeah, THAT'S really fulfilling your fatherly duties. Maybe I am as spoiled as everyone says I am. He made the comment that I went from little girl to a beautiful (which I am not) young woman. You see, my father spent most of my childhood either out of the country or in his own house with that crazy woman he lives with so he's always saying how he missed out on watching me grow up and it's like. It just aggrivates me so when he says that he missed out on watching me grow up and here I am almost a senior in High School and he can still watch me grow up from Now until I graduate but it's like he's making NO attempt at doing that. It's whatever though. So, after he left mama was hungry so I decided to drive us down to KFC/Taco Bell and get us some food. I'm a huge fan of sprite and of course they have Pepsi and their shit so I thought that if I got a Sierra Mist then it would taste exactly like Sprite...Boy was I wrong, It tasted like it had more lemons or limes in it than Sprite does and it was just, argh. NASTY! Okay, lately it seems like I'm losing all my friends. I'm not just saying that to be getting attention because I'm NOT, but it just seems like they are all with their boyfriend, or are always busy and whatnot. Like this one friend, I love her to death. She's one of my best and closest friends but she's going out with this one dude and it seems like everytime we hang out that's all she talks about. Don't get me wrong, I love being there and helping her but it does get annoying after awhile. And my friend Kelsey, We are always trying to hang out and make plans but whenever we do she always has something else and more important to do or isn't able to come over. It's like, I'm watching all of my friends grow apart from me and I don't know how to let them get on with their lives and still be friends with them. I feel like reading the book James got me for my 16th birthday 'Bad Childhood, Good Life'. Oh, I was having a conversation with Noel today about what's been going on and whatnot. He has a wife named Roxy who everyone hated in Culinary. I didn't really have a problem with her because she never did anything to me, But I didn't like how she changed Noel. Anyways, Yeah, They're married and are expecting a son named Zachary Dylan Vargas. I'm so excited for them, I really am. Noel is a really great guy and he deserves to be happy. We were talking about how he goes back to Missouri in August for National Guard training again. I then told him about how if I got a job and some money saved up that Mama and I were going to go to St. Louis to Wrockstock the Third, He told me that I would love the Arch. If I was to get a job and save up money I don't think I would want to go to Wrockstock. I was thinking that maybe I would want to go to Illinois and hang out with Madeline and Chip since they are like....right over there, somewhere, but whatever happens happens. *Sighs* I think I'm gonna go visit the rest of the World Wide Web and see what all I can get Daddy to get me for Christmas. Later.

With a little love and some tenderness...

Okay, so....It is July 14th at 8.44 in the morning. I haven't slept yet because I made the mistake of drinking a coke at like 10 at night. NOT the brightest idea I've had in the past two days, but oh well. So I was on youtube for most of the night watching videos by Kristina Horner on five awesome girls. You can check her and everyone else out at www.youtube.com/fiveawesomegirls and her personal youtube is www.youtube.com/italktosnakes. Anyways, she's pretty much the reason why I started to blog and whatnot. She entertains me, and from what Josh informed me she's hot too. That boy entertains me when I talk to him. Oh, and he just informed me that my blog was lame. I'm listening to Hold my Hand by Hootie and the Blowfish from their album Cracked Rear View. I've listened to them since at least I was 5. Rolling through the Hungarian border when I was five I was singing Let her Cry by them and i've just loved them for so long. It's weird. So, Mama told me that if I got a job and enough money saved up to buy tickets and whatnot then she would take me to Wrockstock the third in St. Louis Missouri but seeing as I don't have a job OR money that seems to not be happening. What does seem to be happening though is getting the boxed set of all the Harry Potter European editions for Christmas from my mommy. You know, It really amazes me at all the junk I have on my iPod. I want MY laptop back so I can put more songs on it but no, my daddy has to be taking forever on getting me a new battery. Grrr. I just burped. I'm currently drinking sprite. Woot Woot for sprite. Okay, so I am re-reading EVERY SINGLE HARRY POTTER BOOK again because, well....I have no life outside of this house. Oh yeah, The new movie comes out in around 15 hours. I am totally fucking pissed that Natalia cut her hair for this new movie. I mean sure, The way she had it in Order of the Pheonix wasn't how it was described in the book but it was still pretty kick ass, and then she had to go and cut it in a kind of Carol Brady hair cut. and if you don't know what that is here it is: See? That is not what J K had in mind when she was writing the books. Gah! I currently have to pee but I don't feel like it. So Chip and I have made this sorta pact where we talk to each other on the phone at least once a week and we haven't done that this week. Oh well, I'll inform him of this when we talk next. I really think that I should go to bed. So I will press publish post and give Josh and Cissy this link so they can read it and criticize it and have Josh Call it lame....Stupid boy with Australian Accent. That's right Josh, I just called you Stupid. Get over it. Later.